You Don’t Have to Be the Perfect Wife: How Letting Go of Control Helps You Heal from Betrayal
“No matter how hard you try, you cannot control another person’s choices.”
The Perfect Wife Dilemma: the bargaining stage of grief
When you uncover your husband’s struggle with porn, the pain can feel overwhelming and disorienting. You might even find yourself thinking:
If I can just be the perfect wife, he won't have this problem anymore.
This thought can reflect an emotional response that many women experience in the bargaining stage of grief. In this stage, you may find yourself trying to “fix” the situation, believing that if you do everything right, you can somehow stop the betrayal from happening again.
You may start to monitor his every move, hoping that control over his recovery will give you the safety and assurance you crave. But this attempt at control is often a way to manage the fear and uncertainty that comes with the trauma of betrayal.
I know this because I’ve been there.
In my own journey, I tried everything I could think of to fix him:
Encouraging him to get help from church leaders.
Rearranging my life to make sure he wasn’t alone or triggered.
Keeping our home spotless, thinking it might reduce his stress.
Making myself emotionally and sexually available, even when I was drained.
Creating a plan together for how he could quit.
But nothing worked. And it took me a long time to realize why.👇
His choices weren't mine to fix.
Why Do We Try to Be the Perfect Wife?
Many women fall into this mindset because of societal and religious conditioning. We’re often taught that a good wife is selfless, supportive, and sacrificial. When betrayal happens, we default to thinking: Maybe if I were better, this wouldn’t have happened.
But that’s a lie.
Your worth was never dependent on his behavior. And being the "perfect wife" won't make him change.
Adding to this false belief is the curated reality of social media. We are constantly bombarded with images of seemingly perfect marriages, women who appear effortlessly beautiful, and couples who share their #RelationshipGoals. This creates an illusion that if we just did more—if we became more attractive, if we lost weight, if we spiced things up in the bedroom—then our husbands wouldn't look elsewhere.
This false narrative leads to an exhausting cycle of self-blame and unrealistic expectations. Women may begin comparing themselves to influencers, wondering if their husband's struggles are their fault for not being "enough." The truth is, no amount of external change will fix an internal problem.
“Porn use is not about a wife's inadequacy; it is about her husband's personal choices, struggles, and wounds that only he can take responsibility for.”
The Pain of Betrayal: Why We Try to Fix Him
As women, we often fall into the trap of believing that if we can just control the situation, we can change the outcome. It feels proactive—like we’re doing something that might make a difference.
But here’s the hard truth that I had to learn: control is an illusion.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot control another person’s choices. And believing you can leaves you feeling:
Exhausted from trying so hard.
Unworthy because your efforts don’t seem to matter.
Broken because nothing seems to change.
It’s a vicious cycle. You pour your energy into fixing him, but when it doesn’t work, you double down, trying even harder.
Sound familiar?
The Toll of Trying to Control
When betrayal enters the picture and shakes your foundation, it's natural to want to regain control. But this desire to control another person not only affects your relationship—it takes a serious toll on your overall well-being. Here's how:
1. Emotional Health
The weight of trying to control another person can create constant anxiety, leaving you on edge, fearing that things won’t improve or that the betrayal will happen again. Over time, this spirals into fear—a constant worry that you’re not safe or that the worst is always just around the corner. This emotional exhaustion can also turn into sadness, as you feel stuck in a cycle of worry and frustration. The constant emotional rollercoaster is draining, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and depleted.
2. Physical Health
When emotional stress mounts, it begins to show up in your body. The ongoing anxiety and fear can lead to insomnia, where your mind races and you can’t shut it off. Headaches and fatigue are common physical symptoms of this constant strain, as your body tries to keep up with your emotional turmoil. The stress hormones released during this period can leave you feeling physically drained, affecting both your energy levels and your long-term health.
3. Relationships
Trying to control your partner’s actions creates an atmosphere of resentment and tension. When you’re constantly monitoring your husband’s every move or demanding changes, it can lead to feelings of suffocation, which damages trust. Instead of fostering understanding and healing, this behavior can erode the foundation of the relationship, creating distance and distrust. Over time, it becomes harder to rebuild the connection you once had, leaving you both feeling isolated and misunderstood.
Trying to control your partner’s recovery might seem like a way to regain some sense of stability, but it ultimately keeps you trapped in a cycle of anxiety, stress, and frustration. Healing from betrayal trauma isn’t about control—it’s about setting healthy boundaries, rebuilding trust, and giving yourself permission to heal too. Taking care of your emotional, physical, and relational health is the key to moving forward and finding peace again.
Why Control Doesn’t Work (And What to Do Instead)
Here’s what I need you to hear: His struggle is not about you, and it’s not yours to fix.
Your husband’s choices are his responsibility. Healing will only happen when he decides to take action. Until then, no amount of effort on your part will make a difference.
If you'd like to learn more about why your husband watches porn and what you can do about it, you can watch my VIDEO where I explain everything.
Trying to be the perfect wife after being betrayed won't make you feel better.
This realization can feel devastating at first, but it’s also incredibly freeing. You don’t have to carry the weight of his choices. You don’t have to sacrifice your well-being to try to fix something that isn’t yours to fix.
Shifting the Focus to Yourself
While you can’t control your husband, there’s something far more powerful you can control: yourself.
You get to decide:
How to think, feel, and act.
How you show up in your marriage and relationships.
The kind of person you’re becoming.
How you respond to life’s challenges.
When you shift your focus from fixing him to healing yourself, everything changes. You let go of the need to control. You realize that his behavior doesn’t define your worth. And you start reclaiming your sense of self.
The Becoming Whole Challenge
This week, I want to challenge you to take a step towards letting go of control. Here’s how:
Write a list of everything that’s worrying you, stressing you out, or making you feel sad or stuck.
Once your list is complete, circle the things you have 100% control over. Take a moment to notice how few things on your list are within your full control.
On a separate piece of paper, make a new list of ways you can help yourself feel better that you have 100% control over. For example:
Journaling about your stress.
Taking time for yourself to rest or recharge.
Changing your thoughts about the situation.
Setting boundaries that protect your peace.
Start focusing on what you do have control over, and let go of the things you don’t. Even small steps in this direction can create a huge shift in how you feel.
Bonus: A Grounding Exercise to Release Control
If you feel yourself spiraling into the need to fix or control, try this simple exercise:
Take a deep breath and hold it for four seconds.
Exhale slowly for six seconds.
Place your hand on your heart and say out loud: I release what is not mine to carry.
Repeat as many times as needed.
Want More Support?
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About Katie and The Christian Betrayal Coach
Hi, I’m Katie, the founder of The Christian Betrayal Coach. I specialize in helping women heal from their husband’s porn problem so they can feel free, confident, and peaceful regardless of what their husband is doing. Having walked this journey myself, I know how overwhelming it can feel to navigate the pain and confusion of betrayal. That’s why I’m passionate about supporting women like you in reclaiming your sense of self and feeling whole again.
Through my coaching membership, I provide tools and guidance to help you focus on your own healing and growth. Whether it’s setting boundaries, rebuilding self-worth, or learning to let go of control, I’m here to walk alongside you every step of the way.
The Becoming Whole Challenge at the end of this blog is designed to help you take actionable steps toward reclaiming your peace. It’s a starting point to help you shift your focus from what you can’t control to what you can — your own healing and growth.
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