4 Things You Should Do After Discovering Your Husband's Porn Problem
“Many women will pour their time and energy into their husbands, but the best thing you can do is take care of yourself.
This was me in 2017, a few days before I found out about my husband’s porn problem. We had almost been married a year when he told me that he had been lying to me our entire relationship. I felt shocked, numb, and confused. That was the beginning of a very long journey, but one that has changed me.
Finding out that your husband has been lying to you is one of the hardest things you can go through in life. The feelings of betrayal can affect every aspect of your life and pretty soon it feels like you’re all consumed with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, intense feelings, and a fear of the future.
If you recently found out about your husband’s porn problem or other sexual behaviors, or you have known for awhile, here are 4 things you should do immediately:
#1. Take a Deep Breath and a Step Back
From my experience and from the experiences of women I work with, I know that the day of discovery or “D-Day” as it’s called, can be one of the darkest days in a person’s life. Realizing that your spouse is not the person you thought he was can create a feeling of unsafety, betrayal, and fear and it’s easy to spiral into “what if’s” and “if only’s”.
But something that helped me the very most was taking a deep breath and taking a step back to look at the bigger picture.
Looking back on my marriage, I could see that there were some things that were “off” with my husband that I hadn’t noticed before, but overall, my husband was an amazing person. It was hard to see in the moment, but when I took a step back and looked at him for the person he truly was, I was able to see his goodness instead of what he had done to me.
“I was able to see him as someone who was hurting, instead of someone who was intentionally trying to hurt me. ”
#2. Find Out Details - But Not Too Many!
Finding out about secret pornography use or infidelity is going to send you spiraling no matter who you are. Taking some time to get the details of the betrayal is helpful for you as you’re trying to make sense of your new reality.
However, asking for too many details might do more harm than good for you in the long run. Honesty is important in a relationship, so make sure you give him space to be honest with you. But taking in too much information at once can be overwhelming and could threaten your sense of safety. Trust yourself to know what information you need to know and what information doesn’t need to be shared with you.
#3: Take Time and Space for Yourself
After discovery, it’s really tempting to get to work trying to help your husband get through his problem. You might think that you need to monitor him to make sure he doesn’t mess up. You might feel like you need to frequently check his phone and computer usage, or you might start trying to get him into therapy or find a program.
Many women will pour their time and energy into their husbands, but the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Your husband will need support on his journey of recovery, but taking time and space for yourself is necessary for you to process the information and make a plan moving forward. You don’t have to get everything figured out all at once.
It’s okay to take time and space to meet your own needs.
#4: Get Support for Yourself
You might feel a lot of shame about what your husband has done and that’s totally normal. But the very best thing you can do is talk to a trusted friend or family member about what you’re going through.
Some women won’t get support because they believe, “it’s not their story to share”, but this IS your story! You are a part of this story as much as he is. If your husband isn’t comfortable with you sharing with someone, you might consider sharing only minimal details.
Sharing your story with someone will help you let go of shame and start healing faster than anything else you could do.
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About Katie and The Christian Betrayal Coach
Hi, I’m Katie, the founder of The Christian Betrayal Coach. I specialize in helping women heal from their husband’s porn problem so they can feel free, confident, and peaceful regardless of what their husband is doing. Having walked this journey myself, I know how overwhelming it can feel to navigate the pain and confusion of betrayal. That’s why I’m passionate about supporting women like you in reclaiming your sense of self and feeling whole again.
Through my coaching membership, I provide tools and guidance to help you focus on your own healing and growth. Whether it’s setting boundaries, rebuilding self-worth, or learning to let go of control, I’m here to walk alongside you every step of the way.
The Becoming Whole Challenge at the end of this blog is designed to help you take actionable steps toward reclaiming your peace. It’s a starting point to help you shift your focus from what you can’t control to what you can — your own healing and growth.
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