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KATIE DAVIS BLOG
Are You Trying to Be the Perfect Wife?
february 3, 2025
In my work as an LDS and Christian Betrayal Trauma Coach, one of the things I get asked the most is, “how can I ever trust him again after everything he’s done?”
Typically after infidelity or betrayal, couples will go to couple’s therapy to learn how to rebuild trust together. I am a fan of therapy and I do believe it has a place. But here are a few problems I see with couple’s therapy after betrayal or infidelity.
Most couple’s therapists are not trained in a) addiction and b) betrayal trauma. Or they are trained in one but not both. This can lead to one partner feeling unseen or ganged up on. After betrayal, it’s more beneficial for each partner to get individualized help with their problems from someone who specializes in addiction or betrayal.
You might be thinking, “but wait! How can we heal as a couple if we don’t go together?”
In my experience, the best thing you can do to heal as a couple is to work on yourselves individually, and everything else will fall into place.
After finding out about your partner’s addiction or betrayal, you might be tempted to think that it’s on HIM to rebuild the trust. Most of us have been taught the narrative that trust has to be earned based on someone’s actions, but that’s not true. Here are 3 truths about trust that a therapist won’t tell you.
3 Things Therapist Won't Teach You About Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal
#1. Trust is a choice
Trust is a CHOICE. Don’t come at me for this one. I really struggled when I learned this principle because it doesn’t align with the narrative most of us have been taught, so I get it. But the narrative that trust has to be earned is NOT true. Trust is a decision YOU can make. Trust is INTERNAL, not based on EXTERNAL circumstances.
Hear me out. Like a lot of cases, your husband might have been lying to you for months or years and you’ve been none the wiser. Let me ask you … while he was lying to you, did you trust him? Did you believe he was acting in a trustworthy way?
Most of us have been lied to for long periods of time, but we were CHOOSING to trust our spouse even though their actions were not lining up with their words. Trust isn’t something that is forced upon us or put into our body. Trust is based on our thoughts about another person.
Trust is a CHOICE.
This is actually amazing news because if trust is a choice, then it means you have all the POWER. You’re not waiting for anyone or anything. It’s 100% up to you whether you choose to trust your spouse. This concept is empowering, but it can be tricky to apply without the right support and tools.
#2. Trust isn't black and white
Trust doesn’t have to be black and white, all or nothing. Just because your husband betrayed you in one thing, doesn’t mean he’s an untrustworthy person. You can still have trust in certain aspects of your relationship.
Do you trust your husband to provide financially for your family? Do you trust your husband to be a good dad? Do you trust your husband to be home on time?
Breaking trust once (or a thousand times) doesn’t have to mean that you are married to someone you don’t trust.
#3: You can't trust your husband unless you trust yourself first
You can’t trust your husband until you trust yourself. Being betrayed can bring up all kinds of self doubt and living with someone who has a porn problem can make you question your reality. You need to trust yourself to set and enforce boundaries, you need to trust yourself to make the right decisions and judgment calls, you need to trust yourself to know when to let things go or keep pushing. If you don’t trust yourself first, you will never be able to trust your husband. That’s why individualized support for the betrayed partner is so crucial to individual and couple healing.
Bottom line: You have 100% control over rebuilding trust in your relationship. You could choose to trust him today if you wanted to.
If you aren’t there yet, that’s totally fine! You might even choose you don’t WANT to trust him, and that’s totally fine! The important part about this is recognizing that you have a CHOICE and you are no longer the victim.
These principles might be new to you because they are never taught, so I’d love to hear your questions or comments!
If you are feeling frustrated with your husband viewing porn, check out this video where I will explain the REAL reason he's acting out...and it's not what you think!